Figure skating has always been something I come back to. When I’m feeling a little more lonely or just need to get more energy out than morning runs or yoga can, the answer is skating. Do you ever feel small and inferior? Well, I unfortunately do (more often than I like to admit) – but, when I’m gliding on frozen water, all those feelings wash away – and I am powerful.
This week has been one of those times when I needed to get that extra energy out and get in touch with that power. Oh, power. What an interesting, complicated concept.
You know how you can either feel small or strong when you care for someone – depending on that person’s reciprocation of care, or lack thereof? I’ve been thinking a lot about how one can become so dependent on another’s thoughts/actions/words for his or her own joy…
I’ve been obsessed with Taylor Swift’s Folklore album (yes, you’re probably going to hear me reference her a lot in this blog – I’m very sorry, or you’re welcome, ha). In her song “Cardigan,” she states, “But I knew you’d linger like a tattooed kiss. I knew you’d haunt all of my what-if’s[…]” Though this is probably not the meaning she intended, I interpret the lyric as wanting someone one can’t have. It is all too easy to dwell on this desire – this fondness – and to allow the impossibility of mutual care to instill feelings of inferiority and unworthiness. Those “what-if’s” can kill.
These feelings – though deep-rooted lies – are difficult to escape. So, what can one do to at least try to break free?
Lean into His truths. Abide. Just last night, I tuned into my previous young adult leader Abe Park’s sermon (from Newsong church in Santa Ana, CA). Abe explains how we don’t need to do anything, know anyone, or be seen in a certain light to be loved by our Father. Jesus loves us as we are – broken, full of unfulfilled longings… sinners.
What a revelation. I pray my heart can daily remember and live out this truth that I am adored by the Creator of heaven and earth, just as I am. I pray I can feel the same confidence/acceptance that I feel skating on the ice, when I am just living. I pray this for you, friend. We don’t have to be loved by all – or by that one – to be worthy, confident, alive and eager for more of His wholly satisfying love.
I was found Before I was lost I was Yours Before I was not Grace to spare For all my mistakes And that part just wrecks me
And I know I don't deserve this kind of love Somehow this kind of love is who You are It's a grace I could never add up To be somebody You still want But somehow You love me as You find me
~ Hillsong UNITED’s “As You Find Me”